In what experts are calling “the most expensive man-to-man conversation in history,” the Democratic National Committee has unveiled its newest project: a $20 million initiative to figure out how to talk to American men without causing spontaneous eye rolls, defensive grunts, or mysterious disappearances to the garage.
After a bruising string of elections where men—particularly those of the blue-collar, calloused-hands, “don’t tell me how to raise my kids” variety—flocked to the GOP like moths to a Bud Light bonfire, Democrats decided it was finally time to crack the mysterious code of male communication.
The result? A 236-page, peer-reviewed, focus-group-approved, multi-million-dollar report titled:
“Understanding the American Male: Grunts, Trucks, and Why They Won’t Vote for Us.”
Here are some of the key findings from this historic study:
1. Don’t Start with Pronouns
Researchers discovered that leading with one’s preferred pronouns at a union barbecue may not, in fact, unlock a deep emotional connection. One participant from Scranton was quoted as saying, “I thought they were spelling out a new brand of fertilizer.”
2. Avoid Phrases Like ‘Toxic Masculinity’—Try ‘Spicy Testosterone’ Instead
Turns out, many men don’t appreciate being told that their existence is inherently problematic. The study suggests Democrats use gentler phrases, like “high-octane masculinity” or “vigor vibes.”
3. Speak Fluent Tool Aisle
Democratic canvassers are now being trained to throw in words like “carburetor,” “2×4,” and “impact driver” into casual conversation. One test subject reportedly changed his party affiliation after hearing a city council candidate say, “You ever torque a lug nut so hard you rethink your marriage?”
4. Offer Free Beef Jerky
Data shows men are 43% more likely to engage with a political platform if handed smoked meat. A pilot program in Ohio showed massive voter turnout when Democrats handed out Slim Jims with QR codes linking to their economic plan.
5. Stop Yelling
Men, it turns out, don’t enjoy being screamed at on MSNBC about how they’re the downfall of democracy because they own a pickup truck. The report recommends “conversational tones, ideally over a charcoal grill.”
6. Don’t Touch the Thermostat Metaphorically or Literally
One campaign adviser made the mistake of telling a group of dads that energy-efficient heat pumps would replace traditional furnaces. He is still missing.
7. Let Them Have Their Dads
A groundbreaking sub-study concluded that men who are divorced and can no longer see their children tend not to vote for the party that called them “dangerous” for asking for shared custody. Wild, we know.
8. Swap Yoga for Yard Work
A shocking 91% of men surveyed said they would rather talk about lawn mowers than mindfulness. Suggested campaign slogans include:
- “Mow the Grass, Not the Constitution.”
- “Let’s Trim Taxes and the Hedges.”
- “Time to Rake in Working-Class Votes.”
9. Lose the Smug
This finding came with the largest data margin. “Smugness is not a strategy,” the report states bluntly. “Especially when directed at people who can rebuild a transmission blindfolded.”
10. Just Ask How Their Day Was
In the most revolutionary revelation of all, researchers concluded that men respond well to being treated like humans. One test voter welled up and said, “No one’s asked me that since 2006.”
In a follow-up press conference, a DNC spokesperson triumphantly declared, “We now understand men. Next, we’ll tackle quantum physics and women who don’t live on Twitter.”
Meanwhile, Republicans have reportedly begun printing T-shirts reading:
“We Spoke to Men For Free.”
Stay tuned for the next DNC initiative: “How to Convince People Who Don’t Own a Tesla That We Still See Them.”
Political Party Animals 