Step aside, deepfakes—Democrats are trying to deep-vibe.

In a leaked plan so perfectly predictable it could have been generated by ChatGPT after drinking mushroom tea, Democratic mega-donors are allegedly debating how to engineer a liberal version of Joe Rogan. Yes, you read that right. The party that brought you hashtags like #VoteBlueNoMatterWho now wants to genetically manufacture a bro who deadlifts, smokes weed, worships elk, and whispers progressive policy reform into a Sure SM7B mic.

“We don’t need a new message,” said one strategist, scratching their head over a $400k pitch deck titled ‘Operation Bro-hammad.’ “We need a vibe.”

Phase 1: Build-a-Bro Workshop

Sources say early prototypes have already been 3D-printed in Brooklyn using a blend of soy protein, DMT vapor, and the DNA of Jon Stewart, David Goggins, and a Whole Foods rotisserie chicken.

The team ran into early challenges.

“The first model wouldn’t shut up about electoral reform,” said one developer. “We had to inject him with MMA clips and ayahuasca to rebalance the algorithm.”

Phase 2: Podcast Launch — The Elk Is Woke

Democrats have reportedly secured a studio space in Venice Beach, formerly used for recording crypto apology videos. The show, tentatively titled The Elk Is Woke, will feature a rotating guest list of neurodivergent TikTok therapists, rescued pit bulls, and obscure progressive candidates polling at 0.02%.

Producers are debating episode titles like:

• “Can We Unionize Mushrooms?”
• “Intermittent Fasting with AOC”
• “The CIA Probably Invented Kombucha”

They’ve also budgeted $12 million for a specially designed sauna that auto-injects talking points about wealth inequality.

Phase 3: Simulated Masculinity Upload

The Liberal Rogan must “feel like a man,” one proposal notes, “but a man who has read bell hooks.”

A spreadsheet of requirements includes:

• Bench press over 225
• Once punched a Proud Boy (but apologized after)
• Wears flannel, but ethically
• Has “Daddy issues, but in a way that radicalizes him”

Test audiences reportedly rejected early scripts where the Liberal Rogan cried while reading The Green New Deal aloud.

“Too beta,” donors said. “Can he do it while bowhunting?”

Phase 4: Algorithmic Saturation

With investor meetings underway, the plan is to flood social media with clips of the Liberal Rogan saying things like, “Universal healthcare just hits different when you’re microdosing.”

Each 90-second reel will feature high-contrast lighting, a gong sound, and a pensive pause that makes the viewer wonder if they’re being recruited into a cult or just getting smarter.

Unintended Side Effects

Already, rival factions within the donor spreadsheet are proposing spinoffs:

• “The Queer Alex Jones”
• “The Latina Ben Shapiro”
• “The Nonbinary Jordan Peterson (Now with 300% more cardigan)”

And yet, the core problem remains: you can’t manufacture authenticity. You either have it… or you have a communications degree and a ring light.

As one anonymous donor put it best: “We don’t want another Joe Rogan. We want our Joe Rogan. One who loves unions, eats vegan elk, and still makes you want to get in an ice bath and punch a Nazi.”

Final Thought:

Until that mythical bro rises from a cold plunge tub and lights a joint with a Bernie bumper sticker, Democrats may just have to do what no one wants to do anymore: talk to regular people without a podcast.

God help us all.

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